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27 December 2004 @ 01:36 pm
I stayed in bed most of the day yesterday, with Junior. It was a lot of fun. to just lay there with someone and crack jokes, and laugh, and tickle, and talk. He's really a great kid, but I don't know if this is going to work out. I really do care, but I don't know if the time is right.

I hate myself sometimes.

I talked to Josh yesterday, i went to Chelsea's and he gave me $60.I was surprised. And we talked for awhile, about all the things that happened, and he's moving away in a few months, either to Portland, or Amsterdam. i was s'posed to go with him. He told me that he needed to know how i felt, so he could decide what he was going to do, because once he left, he wasn't coming back, and i told him. I love you, but i can't be with you. and he asked if it was because i wasn't IN love with him, and i said no, that's not it. Because i am. I just, can't do it anymore. He kept telling me that he's changed, and that he knows that the fighting was his fault, because he was the one who would blow up, but it was because i wouldn't talk to him, and that's all he wanted, was for me to talk to him. And i admit, i wouldn't, i don't know why, i just felt like i couldn't, because what i had to say would hurt him. Or something. I don't know. And I was just like, Josh i love you, but there's no way that i can be with you again now. there's too much that's happened. too much has gone wrong, and i've tried too many times. But he really does seem different. He's actually kept his job, and i'm so glad. heh.

And really we were perfect for each other, if only other things hadn't got in the way. if only i hadn't stop talking to him. if only we hadn't started doing dope together. if only he'd done the dishes when i'd asked him to all those times. a lot of little things that just, add up over time.

And i just have this feeling that we're going to end up back together, but I'm going to fight it, and I'm going to make sure that things are changing, i'm not jumping into anything ever again, with anyone. and i'm not giving up on anything with junior, because he treats me so well. and I could love him. but i keep myself at a distance. He tells me that he's more free around me than he is with anyone else, that around everyone else, this wall goes up. and I see it. when he's with me, he's not as loud, because he already has my attention. but around other people he's crazy, because he doesn't have their's and he needs it. with me, he can just lay there, and talk to me in a quiet voice, and it doesn't matter about what he's wearing or his hair, or anything at all. because he has my attention. I just need to remember to keep talking to him, because i see that was one of my downfalls with Josh, - we just stopped talking.

Josh told me that Skyler and Andrew (his little sister/brother) ask about me all the time. And that Skyler asked him if i'd be at grandma's house for christmas, and he just..couldn't take it. sigh.

I hugged him, held on for dear life, and it just felt like home.. - but I'm with Junior, and I'm not going to fuck this up, because it's good. we're good. we're opposites, and sometimes i just look at him, and i get this weird feeling like, this isn't going to work, because we're so different, but i dont want josh to be the reason that we don't. i want it to be that we just realize that we dont work. But he likes me so much. And he tells me all the time. how beautiful i am. How much he likes me. and when he leaves he says "i heart you tasha ryan" not i love you. but i heart you. it's different. means something different.

this is too much for me sometimes. Josh shouldn't be a thought in my mind, but he is. And i can't deal with it. Sometimes it's so tempting to just resort to old habits, and make myself feel better that way, just for a little bit, because i know the next day, the sting would be there, and i'd just feel like shit again for giving in to the urge.

This is the longest entry i've written in awhile, maybe i should end it here.
Current Music: 3 doors down - let me go
♥unbalancetheair on December 28th, 2004 08:31 pm (UTC)
well i love you x infinity. see.. i win! woooo.