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19 March 2014 @ 08:37 pm

feeling helpless

06 November 2013 @ 05:55 pm

me: I am not going anywhere this thanksgiving so you can have oli whenever and for however long, but my dad is having his christmas on the saturday before christmas at 2pm and I hope to take oli..?


dale: Well we've already planned to do thanksgiving the weekend after in Lawrence so everyone can go. And you hope to take oli for what like an hour ....not counting drive time of course? You really hurt me on Halloween and I want to work with you, I really do, but it cant be a one way street. I do my best to just let you live your life with out causing trouble for you. But me having to deal with problems that arent mine seems unnecessary.   You are trying to screw me over by saying you aren't going to let me claim oliver for taxes when you were told how much I need to so I can start doing better for our son. So its not hurting just me it'll hurt him too. So it comes down to are you going to work with me all the time not just when its convenient. We need to be adults about our situation since it is our own doing. No more since he did this or she did that or he doesnt care so why should I. We are in this as parents to a boy that deserves both of us at our best and we cant do that if we are fighting and bringing other peoples problems into this guiding our choices. We need to do whats right for oliver.
my email:
Writing you back on here because it's easier to type on a computer than texting something this lengthy.


I take care of our son the majority of the time.
I feed him, bathe him, take him to the sitter, pick him up from the sitter, pack his lunch everyday, make sure his teeth are getting brushed, I take him to the doctor/dentist when he needs to go. I do these things.
I have sacrificed living in a nice place to living in this tiny apartment so that I can go to school and not have to work; so that I can take care of our child and provide him with a parent who is around more often than not. I could choose to work and go to school, but who would be raising our child? Neither of us. I live off student loans so that I can do this, and student loans don't go very far, pennies are pinched over here.
I have asked you for your financial help, the only help that you can provide him with right now other than taking him on weekends; and you have denied it.
These are all facts.
More facts: I live in a dinky apartment, drive a car that isn't mine, and am only able to go to school and be a mother at the same time because my father has provided me with a place to live while I better myself so that I can ensure that the future is worth getting to for our child.
You live in a nice apartment, have somehow acquired a new car (I wont pretend to know where the money came from to buy it, but you have it, regardless), you get to go to school and work and have these luxuries. You get every weekend with your child and have the time to do fun activities while you have him, where I don't get a single weekend to do cool things with him.
I have allowed you to have every weekend, when I'm not required to. I have done this for him. I have given up fun times in exchange for being the everyday boring, disciplinarian, underappreciated, stressed out most of the time - mother.


You bring all of this up, because I ask for a  few hours on a Saturday, on a Saturday that I don't legally have to give you. I don't have to give you anything, as there is no paperwork and you do not provide child support for your son. I give you this time for him. I ask you for permission to take him to my father's Christmas as a nicety, it is me being a grown-up, and co-parenting. Allowing you to take him for an hour on Halloween was also an example of this, as I did not even get an hour of trick or treating in with him, because drive-time was figured into my time and trick or treating ended at 8. and yet I did not complain. 


For you to feel you are entitled to claim him on your taxes is a bit wild; considering all of the above. You do not have him 6 months or more out of the year. You do not provide financial support for him. And furthermore to say that finishing college is a benefit to him.. how? I have him mon-fri, I provide for him. And unless you intend to try and take me to court after you graduate and get primary custody, it appears that any financial gain that completing school and getting a job will attain will be a benefit to you and not necessarily to him, because you have a job now and still cannot contribute more than 48 hours of your time to the raising of our child.
And if there is going to be an argument about how you only have him two days a week being my fault; remember that I was fine with it being 50/50 and slowly you could no longer do it, I have stepped up and taken responsibility for him.
Not only this, for you to claim him would be committing fraud. So perhaps instead of expecting me to help you finish school, why don't you petition your family. As I have had to do.  As you have made it clear that it is not your job to ensure that I can succeed at school, why would it be my job to ensure that you can?


And this may all upset you; but ask yourself, what you would do if the roles were reversed?


I don't intend on fighting with you or being angry about this, these are just facts.


23 June 2013 @ 09:45 pm

I get so frustrated that my mom and brothers have no idea what college means financially. they were talking about a college fund for the grandkids from my grandfather's coin collection. .and jokingly I said I could use it now, since I am in college. . and she responds with how I am not a grandkid of hers and that pell grants pay for everything anyway. Are You Kidding me??? I'm 12, 000 in debt after one year at wichita state. pell grants didn't even pay for everything. and if I was able to work full time, go to school full time, and be a proper mother to my kids then I would but I can't do all that on my own. so I choose to take out loans so I don't have to work so that I can be the one raising my kids and not someone else.
I told her that sure, pells grants paid for everything at Cowley but not wichita state. she responds with "well why don't you stay there where they pay for it all?" well mother because I just graduated from there with my associates...and you can't get a bachelor's degree at a two year school. are you kidding me? how do they not know these basic things?
I am so thankful my dad knows what this education is costing me and willing to help out where he can..because no one else in my family gets it.


10 February 2013 @ 10:14 pm

the days keep passing and I keep trying to take the dirt and muck out of the water. hoping to make it drinkable, but no luck. I'm still thirsty.

06 January 2013 @ 03:14 pm

I miss you. we spoke more often a few months ago.... I loved those times, it felt almost like old times.

01 October 2012 @ 10:27 am

Dale isn't speaking to me.
Ben texts me all the time. He is convinced he can fight for me, but I feel so done. After everything that happened, and the stress of FOUR kids, I don't think I can go back. not even with counceling, like he's asked for. I have come to the realization that 4 kids is just too much for me. I have a hard enough time giving my own what they need in the way of attention. but he doesn't listen, he says he won't stop fighting. I am so frustrated. I love him, think he and I could be good together, if not for the kids. and that just isn't ever going to happen..kids don't just disappear.

17 January 2006 @ 01:12 pm

SophiaCollapse )
19 September 2005 @ 12:58 pm
so i cut all my hair off. i have no pictures, yet. i like it. i look like a red/orange haired pixie. jammin has begun to call me his "punk rock pixie", and the people at work, "tink." cute.
31 December 2004 @ 08:12 pm

T is for Terrified
A is for Alert
S is for Serious
H is for Honest
A is for Artistic

27 December 2004 @ 01:36 pm
I stayed in bed most of the day yesterday, with Junior. It was a lot of fun. to just lay there with someone and crack jokes, and laugh, and tickle, and talk. He's really a great kid, but I don't know if this is going to work out. I really do care, but I don't know if the time is right.

I hate myself sometimes.

I talked to Josh yesterday, i went to Chelsea's and he gave me $60.I was surprised. And we talked for awhile, about all the things that happened, and he's moving away in a few months, either to Portland, or Amsterdam. i was s'posed to go with him. He told me that he needed to know how i felt, so he could decide what he was going to do, because once he left, he wasn't coming back, and i told him. I love you, but i can't be with you. and he asked if it was because i wasn't IN love with him, and i said no, that's not it. Because i am. I just, can't do it anymore. He kept telling me that he's changed, and that he knows that the fighting was his fault, because he was the one who would blow up, but it was because i wouldn't talk to him, and that's all he wanted, was for me to talk to him. And i admit, i wouldn't, i don't know why, i just felt like i couldn't, because what i had to say would hurt him. Or something. I don't know. And I was just like, Josh i love you, but there's no way that i can be with you again now. there's too much that's happened. too much has gone wrong, and i've tried too many times. But he really does seem different. He's actually kept his job, and i'm so glad. heh.

And really we were perfect for each other, if only other things hadn't got in the way. if only i hadn't stop talking to him. if only we hadn't started doing dope together. if only he'd done the dishes when i'd asked him to all those times. a lot of little things that just, add up over time.

And i just have this feeling that we're going to end up back together, but I'm going to fight it, and I'm going to make sure that things are changing, i'm not jumping into anything ever again, with anyone. and i'm not giving up on anything with junior, because he treats me so well. and I could love him. but i keep myself at a distance. He tells me that he's more free around me than he is with anyone else, that around everyone else, this wall goes up. and I see it. when he's with me, he's not as loud, because he already has my attention. but around other people he's crazy, because he doesn't have their's and he needs it. with me, he can just lay there, and talk to me in a quiet voice, and it doesn't matter about what he's wearing or his hair, or anything at all. because he has my attention. I just need to remember to keep talking to him, because i see that was one of my downfalls with Josh, - we just stopped talking.

Josh told me that Skyler and Andrew (his little sister/brother) ask about me all the time. And that Skyler asked him if i'd be at grandma's house for christmas, and he just..couldn't take it. sigh.

I hugged him, held on for dear life, and it just felt like home.. - but I'm with Junior, and I'm not going to fuck this up, because it's good. we're good. we're opposites, and sometimes i just look at him, and i get this weird feeling like, this isn't going to work, because we're so different, but i dont want josh to be the reason that we don't. i want it to be that we just realize that we dont work. But he likes me so much. And he tells me all the time. how beautiful i am. How much he likes me. and when he leaves he says "i heart you tasha ryan" not i love you. but i heart you. it's different. means something different.

this is too much for me sometimes. Josh shouldn't be a thought in my mind, but he is. And i can't deal with it. Sometimes it's so tempting to just resort to old habits, and make myself feel better that way, just for a little bit, because i know the next day, the sting would be there, and i'd just feel like shit again for giving in to the urge.

This is the longest entry i've written in awhile, maybe i should end it here.
Current Music: 3 doors down - let me go